Holy July!

July has come…and it’s reaching the peak of the anniversary of my turning my life upside down. It’s hard to believe, even imagine that a full year is coming to head. My co-worker and I stopped at The Courtyard last night to have a beer-he still says he’s amazed as to how everything turned out for me. In terms of my coping with divorce, dealing with a new relationship, and finding my so-called center of gravity. It’s still an uneasy feeling, I’m not sure I’d say I feel very centered at all.

It’s amazing to step back-June of last year I bought my first bike, and subsequently started on my own adventures. My co-worker said I had a lot of nervous energy-that’s what the biking in the morning helped with. Rather than spending money on therapy, I spent money on a bike…and felt a bit of freedom almost every morning.

This year has been my first time to bike all summer, and with that, the discovery of exercise induced asthma (Joy!) and the fact that allergies this year are brutal.

Things with Bill and I continue to be ok. Cat visits have dwindled down to maybe once a month or so; and he seems to have accepted that we’ve both moved on. Honestly, I think it was something he had wanted to do for a long time, but there are probably many reasons why it never happened. I’m thankful every day that we were able to do it like adults, as people who had been friends for many years. At least we didn’t have to tear each other down and apart.

Things with Travis and I of course, have our ups and downs-no relationship is without challenges that provide growth. It’s actually scary at times, because I’ve come from such a one-sided relationship…it’s different to deal with someone that as unhappy as they are to hear something-are willing to work with you on it. It’s a relief to be able to be open and talk. There is much that I’m experiencing with this relationship I wasn’t able to experience with Bill. It’s nice that even tho I sometimes feel a little insecure (knowing those are based in my head on previous experiences) I’m slowly uncurling my fingers from around that pole of fear. In all honesty, I feel very secure. It’s nice to be able to be open, and actually make known my wants and needs-and actually have something given vs. not. I don’t feel bad asking for a hug when I’m feeling shaky-and I won’t be reprimanded for how I’m feeling.

The kitties are all well and dandy, the benefit of living on my own is that I can decide if there is a.c. or not. So far there is not. I’ve had a few days where I felt uncomfortable (slightly) but not dying by any means. The kitties are enjoying the ample window space and the sun beams! Cordie is pretty darn cuddly nowadays, Figaro is always the perpetual “mama’s boy” and was curled up against me in a very precious way. Phoebe is very excited over the birds-and will often chatter away at them…or go on bug patrol.

This 4th of July weekend I’ll be seeing fireworks for the first time in years. I’ll admit, I’m pretty excited!

Overall, life is good-busy with work, finding time to spend with Travis, and brushing my cats constantly-boy is this the year of shedding!

an email from 2009, that I had written to a couple close persons in my life. It has me thinking about some things.

I was in counseling at the time…mom issues cropped up…I was going back over old emails….wow. I really do feel like I’ve come a LONG way. I’m aware of my coping and that sort of thing…I know there are still things to work on-but I can say I’ve improved a heck of a lot.

I sound so sad in that email.——————–

These are my wishes.

To feel confident in myself, to feel sure of myself (Forever a work in progress, to feel confident and sure of myself. Purchasing my first bike as an adult, without consult from both parent and husband…and then reaching the deciding factor that I needed a divorce. Since then, my confidence and “sureness” have reached all-time highs, but there are shreds of doubt here and there.)

To not second guess every decision, because I generally make smart decisions…but not feeling any confidence makes me question my every move.  (I did not second guess my bike purchase. In fact, a co-worker kept telling me I wouldn’t buy a bike that day. Oh HO! Yes I would! Having made a successful decision with that, plus my making a successful decision with my second bike. As well as getting the needed divorce…all attribute to my making more successful decisions now.)

I’m hyper-sensitive…I try to live my life for other people, I try to keep the peace, keep MYSELF in check. Fearing a wrong move, wrong word, etc. will spark controversy or upset. (I had to say “fu” to making a wrong move or wrong word when telling my ex-husband that the marriage was over. I also had to tell myself another “shush” when it turned out that a good, healthy relationship was right around the corner. Do not fret nor worry so much about what other people think all the darned time. Easier said than done, but having a happier and healthy Josie is so important.)

I would like to allow myself to have the intimacy and love I deserve. I feel like I deserve nothing; I have to earn it, and even IF I earn it…do I really deserve it? (I realized that my ex-husband was not providing what I needed in life. On so many levels. It wasn’t his “fault” but I had to step up and say enough was enough. I’m in a much better place now with a relationship that really makes me see what a POSITIVE and HEALTHY relationship can provide. It’s scary, still…and I’m not always confident nor sure…but I’m experiencing the healing that it can give.)

I’d like to feel I can accomplish something or do well at something. I’m sitting, always wondering what I should do better, if I’ve done enough, if I’ve sacrificed enough…am I ENOUGH? in general. (I accomplished biking year-round or at least you could say half a year…I commuted to work on a daily basis…rain or shine, snow or freezing…I did it. Bad weather days I rode my bike vs. drive my car…and felt much more confident in my safety. I received compliments on my “ballvery” as well as kudos for being a first-year-winter-rider. I felt and do feel very accomplished. I’ve intermeshed myself more in the community, and earned some respect, and have become HEALTHIER.)

I cannot accept compliments…I simply do not have it in me to believe anything good said about me. Counselor said she sees me as a thoughtful, kind, and nice person…I know I am so, but inside my other voice tells me that I’m not…because I haven’t achieved those things; and if I have, I haven’t achieved enough. (I’ve become a bit better at accepting compliments, but it is a day-by-day basis. I know the other voice inside of me is based on my insecurities. Not truth.)

It depends on the situation and person, sometimes I can believe compliments/comments for awhile, but eventually when I think back on it, instead of boosting me up and having me feel warm and fuzzy, I wonder if it’s true at all. (I’ve learned that the voice that makes me wonder is my self-doubt. That will exist to an extent for likely the rest of my life, but with changes I’ve made…people I’ve incorporated into my life-I can see differences and subtle truths. I can actually not question the compliment to death.)

I’ve had people say nice things and essentially dump me, leave me, abandon/replace me. (Simply put, those people weren’t worth having in my life.)

Bill says I’m beautiful, or I’m kind or nice or whathaveyou…rarely do I believe it. (How could I believe someone who turned to various things? My sexual confidence, let alone my physical, emotional, and mental confidence(s) and image(s) were crushed. You can’t believe someone who always chose a vice over you.)

Anyone else can say it; I won’t believe it very long. (I’ve found with gradual healing….I can believe it. I might joke about it a bit…tone it down some…but when my partner/boyfriend/lover…whatever one wants to call him…when HE says it…I feel it’s true. FEEL…not just hear it.)

as of yesterday, probably 10:30ish in the morning, I was told the marriage was dissolved.
Papers will be mailed.
I’m free!

I’ve found that with life being pretty good; I haven’t had much to write about. I mean, really, I have a lot to write about…but have been wanting to wait until it’s appropriate to talk about (I guess).

I found a dandelion in the yard today…what the heck?! It’s DECEMBER. It’s the 14th. It’s frickn’ winter…and there is a dandelion. Go figure. Most of the snow that fell on Saturday/Sunday is gone. My snow owl is nothing put a pile of blah.

I got the magical letter in the mail on Thursday, saying that a court date is set for December 18th (Tuesday) at 9 a.m. to go over the settlement agreement and see if Bill and I are still seeking to dissolve the marriage. We filed our financial papers; so we can for sure get a final decree.

We both feel better with life after this decision….and Tuesday should be D-Day….and then I’ll really be completely free.

I’ve gone through the week feeling low, depressed, full of anxiety to a straight up shot of HOLY CRAP, giddy, excitement, and relief (hope)

I have Tuesday off…so once it’s finalized (which I’m assuming it will be) I will be going to the Co-Op, getting myself some sparkling wine, and drinking. If there isn’t anything worth it…a big ol’ beer. By god…I shall have some.

Life hasn’t been on stand still. I’m actually in the dating process with someone. It’s been pretty amazing. That alone is a lot to write about…I’ll acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how life can change so much because of one, solo, did it on your own decision. And as cheesy as it is…It really feels like fate played a card to me.

The support of my family has been amazing. The support of my friends and co-workers equally so. Even my soon to be not-sister-in-law is happy that I’ve gained a social life, and is tickled I’m with someone who is a much more suited match.

Things are going slow. I live in my home, he lives in his…he has offered to help if ever necessary, but wants me to be comfortable making it on my own. (which I’m doing a good job with). The only thing he helps me with is affording to get massage for my gimpy shoulder. No bills or anything else. We have a regular “date” night; which consists of movie and pizza (or whatever we may want to do…go out-out if we desire)…and lately, Tuesday lunch dates (as his day off work is Tuesday).
And most importantly…the cats approve.

I resigned of my cat foster coordinator role with HSNEI; but have remained on the board. It got to be too depressing for me to deal with…until we have a shelter, or more people willing to foster…it’s just not going to go anywhere. I feel much lighter.

My neighbor’s dog, Foxie

I re-registered to vote today.
I have never been political….and have not voted.
Today, I decided would be the day I’d re-register…and cast my vote.

I’m not political, but I felt compelled to at least throw out a vote today.

Crossing fingers.

of crazy, summer-like temps. However, even tho it is actually grey and humid/damp outside. Tomorrow is supposed to be chilly, and after that, I’ll likely start making my rounds to the windows and getting plastic up. (GRR)

I survived the Co-Op’s MAD sale yesterday, I had the second highest in sales that I “sold”…I sold over $ 8,000 of stuff.
Damn girl.

My aunties Judy and Joan came to Iowa last Friday and stayed at the ‘Stead until Sunday afternoon. First time they have left the ‘Stead on a Sunday. I had 3 days of going back and forth-and overall it was a good time. I’ll admit, I was exhausted. My mum was down, and trying to remind myself that I can’t fix that gets exhausting.

Otherwise, life is going, and keeps going. I had 2 really good bike rides with a friend yesterday and today. So I did the full “loop” 2 days in a row. Yesterday the route we took I didn’t need any breaks-today we went the opposite direction. I had one short rest break and that’s it. I was exhausted this morning-so a text message from him was the only thing that really got me out of bed. “Would you like to go for a ride today?” “Hooookay….” get up, drink coffee, and really wish I was actually going back to bed. It’s a week where my body can’t catch up to itself. I’m tired as heck. I’m on vacation next week…a week of doing NOTHING. However, I must make sure to go ride. I can’t be a lazy ass.

Kitties are doing well…which reminds me, soon I’ll have to get Figgy in for a check up.
I had some reconciling fun-I thought I scheduled a payment online for my credit card…well, I must not have completed it…so I ended up paying the full bill rather than 2 parts. So I was able to add in 79 dollars back to my check balance…sweet. I’m actually doing a better job of budgeting than I thought. Next month I’ll finally be able to be caught up with everything-and no double charges for car insurance switching, etc.

I also made the decision to end coverage of pet insurance at the moment. I didn’t touch the deductibles on any of the kitties…so I’m going to try Care Credit for the time being and just add money into my savings account.

I’m seriously contemplating on leaving HSNEI for awhile. I’ll probably get back into volunteering, but I don’t think I’m a good fit as a foster coordinator. Especially for cats. I thought I’d be perfect for it, but I’m too soft-hearted, and it gets to be way too depressing not having foster homes available and always saying “I’m sorry” I also had some drama with another volunteer over a cat call that never happened. I really don’t feel like it’s something I need in my life right now. I did voice my feelings to a fellow volunteer who may be the next president of our group-she understands my feelings and would like to enlist changes to help me-with hopes that I might stay on. But I’ll be waiting until the next year for changes…and I’m not sure I can go through another kitten season. I dunno. We’ll see.